Never forget, we are a blessed people

This is a season of Thanksgiving.  I am not sure why we choose only one short amount of time each year to focus on all we have to be thankful for.  This is something that we should do daily.  We should never take for granted all we have and all the people we are surrounded with. 

This time of year is a difficult time for me.  I lost my grandmother on the 12th of this month, and had to say goodbye to her on the 15th.  A blessing took place three years ago though on the 18th of this month as my sweet niece Kynsie was brought into this world.  It reminds me that my grandmother, who raised me as her own, would never want me to focus on what I lost the day she left this world, but would want me to focus on what blessings I have right now.  Today.  At this moment. 

When I decided to run a marathon, this was my focus.  To remind others that we must not take for granted our time.  Our time is so short and could end at any time.  I lost a lot of time with this amazing woman who was willing to give everything up to raise her grand-kids.  She did just that too.  I can't take back the time I lost.  But I can take advantage of the time I am given each day.  My grandmother used to tell me that she didn't want flowers and stuff at her funeral because we should give her flowers and stuff while she was alive so she could enjoy them.  She was big on us enjoying life and each other, not spending money on something after we lose someone.  What enjoyment does that person really get in flowers and stuff after they have left this world?  None.  Does it really give us comfort?  It doesn't me.  It gives me comfort to think about the good times we had, and to bask in the comfort that she brings me. 

As I read through this, I read the above statement about "...we must not take for granted our time."  Wow...time.  It seems so long ago that I decided and registered for my first marathon.  It was in May.  Today I sit here and have 32 days left before I run that marathon.  I didn't blog about my training as I planned.  I have trained.  Sometimes not as planned.  I have been battling a hip issue for a while now, and have lost some training time.  But I am keeping on moving forward.  What else can I do? 

This past weekend I ran two half marathons back to back.  One Saturday morning and one Sunday morning.  I have had to change how I do things with my training and just day to day, but I feel confident I can do this marathon.  I have to do so as it is to honor the memory of my grandmother.  This marathon will be so emotional for me.  To top it off, the focus is that we don't take our time with our loved ones for granted.  With the passing of Jacob Wells, the race director for my first marathon, it brings this on even stronger.  I am proud to be one of the 400 or so runners that will get to run this race.  I am nervous as I know I will personally face many challenges in the 26.2 miles to include lots of bridges.  I am nervous because I know that this is going to be emotional for everyone there.  There will be people there in the memory of Jacob just to honor him.  So many layers to what I am headed to.  I don't think there is any way to possibly train for this marathon.  I can train for the distance and I can attempt to train for the mental aspect of pushing through the pain (which I definitely did this weekend running the 26.2+ miles over the two days).  But what I can't train for is all the emotions I am going to experience.

It is hard to wrap my head around what is headed my way less than five weeks from now.  I think I am as ready as I can be honestly.  All I can do is love on those in my life right now.  I have so many friends and family who support and encourage me.   This weekend I was reminded of all my blessings.  God gives me grace and mercy.  He gave the ultimate sacrifice.  Something I can never repay.  I can live daily for Him and try to show His love to others by loving them and showing compassion.  High fives as Jacob did.  Jacob gave high fives literally and figuratively.  I am amazed at the life this man lived in his short time, and the way he touched so many.  Even those of us who never really knew him personally.

Seriously? November?

Geesh!  I can't believe it is November already!  I wrote my last post over a month ago.  I really don't know where time goes. 

So, I have made it to my 18 mile run.  And completely am being a slacker this week for some reason.  I guess as it turns off cold I am snuggling up in my warm bed more often.  Plus, schedules with my running buddies hasn't went great either. 

So, what do I have left?  I have this weekend which may be a low weekend.  I am running a four mile trail race with my husband.  I am thankful that he likes to run trails.  I won't get him further than four miles, but that's 45 minutes of time together doing something I love.  I am very proud of him.  Then I have a ten mile training run the next weekend.  The following I am running double half marathons (one Saturday morning and one Sunday morning).  I figure running 26.2 in a 24 hour period will be good training for me.  From there weekends will be: 10, 20, 12, 8, then it's race day.  Wow...race day is that close.  The 20 scares me as it is the weekend most of my running buddies will be in Memphis running the St. Judes races.  I have lots of running buddies though, so thinking I can get some to split the mileage up with me if I need to.  Or maybe new buddies will run with me.

So, 3 Bridges is my first marathon.  The race director suffered cardiac arrest last weekend at mile 19 of a race.  It blows my mind.  He is still in cardiac ICU, which is scary.  They all say he is a fighter.  I say my God is bigger than what is going on with him.  And I know that. Faith of a mustard seed right?  I also know that sometimes when our faith isn't strong enough, our christian brothers' and sisters' faith can be.

I have though a lot lately about our loved  ones.  We really never know when we may never see them again. I think of my grandmother often.  How much I miss her and how many regrets I have concerning the massive amount of time I wasted.  Time being hateful as a teenager.  Time I was living in a way that went against all she taught me to be. Time that I avoided because it was easier than seeing her suffer trying to do for me.  Time I should have been by her side, holding her hand, praying for her, telling her that I love her.  I am so thankful that my loved ones that are now in the hospital and members of the running community that are in the hospital, all have loved ones at their side.  My husband has an aunt that I always say hugs me how my grandmother used to hug me.  I am thankful for her in my life.  She is facing surgery soon.  I will do all I can to be there for her.  To be at her husband's side while he waits.  To be there to hug her and tell her that I love her.  I can't get back the time that I lost with my grandmother, but I can gain time with all my loved ones that are still here.  While I am still here. 

Facing Defeat

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines defeated as "to win a victory over", "to cause to fall", "to control or overcome".  In the noun tense it is defined as "failure to succeed or win".  A synonym is "broken".  I have used the word broken over the last few days.  I couldn't really come up with another word.  Today I used the word defeated, as in I feel defeated.  Interesting those were the two words that came to mind over the last few days. 

No one likes to fail.  No one likes to admit when they have failed.  But sometimes we bite off more than we can chew.  Or maybe we just bite off more than someone else thinks we can chew.  And by their lack of support and encouragement we begin to see it as they do.  I don't know when the switch happened, but the driving force got turned off.  There was a time that being told that I couldn't accomplish something only made me want to work harder to show that I could.  Today, it makes me want to quit.

Maybe that's why it hurts to feel so defeated on this one.  It brings back memories of always being told what I can't do, and not really encouraged.  Instead of propelling me forward, it is pushing me down.  I don't like feeling like I am pushed in a corner.  Especially when I had a timeline set of when I would give in, give up, and admit that I can't hold up my end of the commitment.  Now I find myself giving up weeks early due to lack of support.  I know I may not really be able to pull it off, but being told that pushes me in a corner, a hole.  Deep.

I had made a note to blog about a devotional from a specific date.  It is on the broken cistern.  Funny thing as I go to that date, it is the incorrect one.  This one is Philippians 4.  It reads "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable - if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise - dwell on these things."  Dwell on these things.  I am looking at these thinking about how I have a moral obligation to give something my all, to not give up.  I see to dwell on the things that are holy and pure, not to dwell on the defeat I feel. 

Jeremiah 2:13 reads "For My people have committed a double evil: They have abandoned Me, the fountain of living water, and dug cisterns for themselves, cracked cisterns that cannot hold water."

So, why do I feel defeated?  Partly because I am drinking from a broken cistern of this world.  Even the people who you love the most and trust the most, are still human and may say and do things that leave you feeling broken and defeated.  So, what I must do is ask myself who I am doing this for?  Who do I run for?  Who do I live to serve?  Who do I desire to glorify in my life? 

The commitment is not about me.  It is not about what I can do or cannot do.  If I truly want to honor God in my life, then I am to give it my best, and not give up just because someone else doesn't believe in my ability.  Will I still fail?  Possibly.  But I won't know until I try.  Will it still be hard if I have to go to the person I have made a commitment to and tell them that I can't accomplish what I have agreed to do?  Yes, it will be so hard.  But if I give it my all then I won't feel defeated when I have to do that.  I have not given it my all for the past two months. I decided the other day I would give it two more weeks.  Then I would decide.  So, through prayer and focus I will give it my all for two weeks.  With or without the support of others.  If I still fail, at least I will know I didn't just give up.  I should have been doing my best all along, but instead allowed my focus to change.  Do I regret it?  Yes!  But I can't change it.  But the grace of God is that I don't have to change my past mistakes.  I can lay them at His feet and turn from them, so that I can proceed forward and do the best to glorify Him. 

In two weeks when I have to admit that I can't meet this commitment, at least I will be quitting knowing that I tried, instead of quitting knowing that I haven't worked at all toward it in months. 

Marathon training is going...

Well, I plan to be in here weekly at a minimum to discuss how marathon training is going and how God is working.  I haven't done so to this point.  So...to catch up...

I am in week three of my training.  So far, I have managed all my miles except for my recovery runs on Sundays.  I have that as a fifth run of the week and one that I consider optional.  So, I am happy with my accomplishments so far.

I think often about sweet Sophia and how strong she is.  How strong her mother is.  I have much respect for them both and am blessed to have them in my life.  I am so thankful to have Sophia to run for.  In a way I feel like this is a way that I am also drawing closer to my grandmother that has passed.  I have missed her so much and am honored to get to run this first 26.2 race on what would be her 90th birthday.  Honored.

In that, I am reminded how precious time is.  How precious our loved ones are.  How much we take for granted.  I have had many people enter in my life in the last three weeks.  For one, school has started back and so I have a whole new round of students.  I feel like so far this is my greatest group.  I have been teaching for six years and really can't think of a semester that I enjoyed all my classes so much.  The students are respectful (so far) and helpful.  One of my physical education classes I have 13 students who encourage each other the entire workout.  They aren't trying to "beat" each other, just to do their best.  I am so proud of this group already and we are only on week two.  I also have students that I know have been brought into my life for a reason.  Some that I feel I will get to be used to help them, and some that I believe are there to help me.  I love learning from others.  I have a student who is only a couple of years into his walk with the Lord and he is already so knowledgeable and shines God's light so bright.  He got to get baptized in the Jordan and walk where Christ walked.  How cool is that?!?!

I also know of many that have lost friends and loved ones in the past three weeks.  My heart breaks for each of them. Spend time with those you love.  Live life, don't just let life happen to you. 

It's Time...

Well, it is time.  Marathon training starts in five days for me.  In the process of training for this marathon, I will also be training for other races.  I have five half marathons between now and my marathon.  I also will have a couple of 5ks.  I will be pacing one of the half marathons so my training for the next two months will be all about running at a specific pace, all the while not losing my speed I have gained.  Two more of those half marathons will be back to back (one on Saturday and one on Sunday).  This is going to be a challenging task for me.  I almost keep typing the word difficult, but I don't like to think of things as difficult because that is a word that can be discouraging.  So, I choose to look at this as challenging.  It will be a challenge for sure, but God has brought me to this training and He will bring me through it.  However, as I have said so many times, if it isn't challenging me it isn't changing me.  I believe this applies to so much of life. 

This is where most of my details of my marathon training will be.  Lessons learned along the way, experiences, etc.  Please follow this blog if you want to stay updated on it.