Facing Defeat

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines defeated as "to win a victory over", "to cause to fall", "to control or overcome".  In the noun tense it is defined as "failure to succeed or win".  A synonym is "broken".  I have used the word broken over the last few days.  I couldn't really come up with another word.  Today I used the word defeated, as in I feel defeated.  Interesting those were the two words that came to mind over the last few days. 

No one likes to fail.  No one likes to admit when they have failed.  But sometimes we bite off more than we can chew.  Or maybe we just bite off more than someone else thinks we can chew.  And by their lack of support and encouragement we begin to see it as they do.  I don't know when the switch happened, but the driving force got turned off.  There was a time that being told that I couldn't accomplish something only made me want to work harder to show that I could.  Today, it makes me want to quit.

Maybe that's why it hurts to feel so defeated on this one.  It brings back memories of always being told what I can't do, and not really encouraged.  Instead of propelling me forward, it is pushing me down.  I don't like feeling like I am pushed in a corner.  Especially when I had a timeline set of when I would give in, give up, and admit that I can't hold up my end of the commitment.  Now I find myself giving up weeks early due to lack of support.  I know I may not really be able to pull it off, but being told that pushes me in a corner, a hole.  Deep.

I had made a note to blog about a devotional from a specific date.  It is on the broken cistern.  Funny thing as I go to that date, it is the incorrect one.  This one is Philippians 4.  It reads "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable - if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise - dwell on these things."  Dwell on these things.  I am looking at these thinking about how I have a moral obligation to give something my all, to not give up.  I see to dwell on the things that are holy and pure, not to dwell on the defeat I feel. 

Jeremiah 2:13 reads "For My people have committed a double evil: They have abandoned Me, the fountain of living water, and dug cisterns for themselves, cracked cisterns that cannot hold water."

So, why do I feel defeated?  Partly because I am drinking from a broken cistern of this world.  Even the people who you love the most and trust the most, are still human and may say and do things that leave you feeling broken and defeated.  So, what I must do is ask myself who I am doing this for?  Who do I run for?  Who do I live to serve?  Who do I desire to glorify in my life? 

The commitment is not about me.  It is not about what I can do or cannot do.  If I truly want to honor God in my life, then I am to give it my best, and not give up just because someone else doesn't believe in my ability.  Will I still fail?  Possibly.  But I won't know until I try.  Will it still be hard if I have to go to the person I have made a commitment to and tell them that I can't accomplish what I have agreed to do?  Yes, it will be so hard.  But if I give it my all then I won't feel defeated when I have to do that.  I have not given it my all for the past two months. I decided the other day I would give it two more weeks.  Then I would decide.  So, through prayer and focus I will give it my all for two weeks.  With or without the support of others.  If I still fail, at least I will know I didn't just give up.  I should have been doing my best all along, but instead allowed my focus to change.  Do I regret it?  Yes!  But I can't change it.  But the grace of God is that I don't have to change my past mistakes.  I can lay them at His feet and turn from them, so that I can proceed forward and do the best to glorify Him. 

In two weeks when I have to admit that I can't meet this commitment, at least I will be quitting knowing that I tried, instead of quitting knowing that I haven't worked at all toward it in months. 

Marathon training is going...

Well, I plan to be in here weekly at a minimum to discuss how marathon training is going and how God is working.  I haven't done so to this point.  So...to catch up...

I am in week three of my training.  So far, I have managed all my miles except for my recovery runs on Sundays.  I have that as a fifth run of the week and one that I consider optional.  So, I am happy with my accomplishments so far.

I think often about sweet Sophia and how strong she is.  How strong her mother is.  I have much respect for them both and am blessed to have them in my life.  I am so thankful to have Sophia to run for.  In a way I feel like this is a way that I am also drawing closer to my grandmother that has passed.  I have missed her so much and am honored to get to run this first 26.2 race on what would be her 90th birthday.  Honored.

In that, I am reminded how precious time is.  How precious our loved ones are.  How much we take for granted.  I have had many people enter in my life in the last three weeks.  For one, school has started back and so I have a whole new round of students.  I feel like so far this is my greatest group.  I have been teaching for six years and really can't think of a semester that I enjoyed all my classes so much.  The students are respectful (so far) and helpful.  One of my physical education classes I have 13 students who encourage each other the entire workout.  They aren't trying to "beat" each other, just to do their best.  I am so proud of this group already and we are only on week two.  I also have students that I know have been brought into my life for a reason.  Some that I feel I will get to be used to help them, and some that I believe are there to help me.  I love learning from others.  I have a student who is only a couple of years into his walk with the Lord and he is already so knowledgeable and shines God's light so bright.  He got to get baptized in the Jordan and walk where Christ walked.  How cool is that?!?!

I also know of many that have lost friends and loved ones in the past three weeks.  My heart breaks for each of them. Spend time with those you love.  Live life, don't just let life happen to you. 

It's Time...

Well, it is time.  Marathon training starts in five days for me.  In the process of training for this marathon, I will also be training for other races.  I have five half marathons between now and my marathon.  I also will have a couple of 5ks.  I will be pacing one of the half marathons so my training for the next two months will be all about running at a specific pace, all the while not losing my speed I have gained.  Two more of those half marathons will be back to back (one on Saturday and one on Sunday).  This is going to be a challenging task for me.  I almost keep typing the word difficult, but I don't like to think of things as difficult because that is a word that can be discouraging.  So, I choose to look at this as challenging.  It will be a challenge for sure, but God has brought me to this training and He will bring me through it.  However, as I have said so many times, if it isn't challenging me it isn't changing me.  I believe this applies to so much of life. 

This is where most of my details of my marathon training will be.  Lessons learned along the way, experiences, etc.  Please follow this blog if you want to stay updated on it.

It's Official and The Numbers are There

I made it official this morning. I have registered for my first marathon. I was up at 5:30 a.m. getting logged in the computer and waiting as the countdown timer ticked away.  I was nervous.  I hate bridges.  This race has three of them.  If that's not bad enough, I have to cross two of them twice.  So, I will go over bridges five times over the course of the marathon.  They are all over water.  I have ran over a bridge in a race before.  It was hard to breath.  I had to remain focused.  In the center of the lane.  Thought my friend was crazy because he stopped to use the Port-o-Potty that was at the peak of the bridge, against the side of the bridge.  I had to keep running and let him catch up with me later.  I have walked across one of these bridges before.  I had a full panic attack while doing so and wasn't sure I was going to make it.  I don't really care to go back to that bridge.  Guess I will be.  The idea of 26.2 miles is frightening too.  I have ran 14 half marathons and by the time the race happens I will have a total of 20-21 half marathons under my belt.  But running double that...well, it is intimidating.  So why am I doing?

Well, I am not doing it as a bucket list project.  Although many people do and that's okay.  I am doing it because I feel it is right.  My loving husband and I talked often about whether I would ever run a marathon and we both said no.  It's too hard on my body.  I won't be able to handle the training.  He didn't want to see me hobbling along dragging a leg for a month.  I feel very led to do this.  So, one day I prayed about it and chose to run an 18 miler with a friend who was training for her first marathon.  We did a half marathon and then ran 5 more miles.  We ended up with 18.22 that day.  So, I prayed and said if I can do this 18 with her and still move the next day then I will do this.  And so the training run happened, then I woke the next morning and hiked/ran 4 miles.  I knew then God was ready for me to do this.  He had already told me that though, I just needed to know for sure.  The numbers are there.

You see this marathon is on Dec. 27th.  It's my grandmother's birthday and one my best friend/like a sister's birthday.  My grandmother was my mother.  She raised me and my brother since I was about 5 years old.  On race day, my grandmother will have been passed away for 13.1 years.  Which you multiply by two (two of the dearest people to me share that birthday) and you get the distance I will run on race day.  This wasn't enough for me.  So, I said okay Lord if this is for real and there is a purpose in me going through with this marathon I need more.  I need to know that I know that I know that this is what I need to do.  And I thought this as I drove home.  I tried everything to make something out of 90.  You see if my grandmother was still living she would be 90 years young.  90.  Nothing.  9.  Nothing.  I couldn't come up with it.  I drove home.  Sat in my recliner and relaxed.  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

How far is it from my house to the race?  So, I pulled it up on the GPS on my phone.  From my house to the parking lot of the race...45.0 miles.  Multiplied by two and you get my 90 I needed.  The mileage wasn't 45.1, or 44.9.  It was 45.0 miles exactly.  This race is going to happen.  As long as it remains in God's will.  And if it doesn't, it will be because God has another plan, but needs me to begin this process for Him to do what He wills.

GPS.  I use it often to help me find my way on the road.  GPS.  I use it all the time to help me find my way in life.  God's Plan of Salvation. The best GPS there ever could be.

Little Rock Half Marathon

The 2014 Little Rock Half Marathon was scheduled for March 2 this year.  I wasn't initially planning on doing it because it is the same date as my husband's birthday.  I have such a supportive husband though and he encouraged me to go ahead and run it if I wanted to.  My only goal this year was to beat my time from the same race last year.  Last year we had cool, but good weather.  I remember wishing one time that I hadn't given up my jacket when I had passed my husband earlier, but other than that, it was enjoyable weather.  I finished last year in 2:32. 

This year I did beat my time...by 14 minutes.  It was a cold, windy, and wet day.  The conditions were not only uncomfortable, but miserable at times.  The wind blew so hard at one point, that I and another runner were pushed sideways.  There was a rainy drizzle going on pretty much the entire time.  The temperatures were dropping the entire race.  By the end of the race it was so cold and my feet were wet and my hands were numb.  My muscles wouldn't even stay warm while I was running.  They were beginning to get cold and tight.  I paused several times along the course to stretch a little.  I know only God got me through those conditions safely. 

My finish time was 2:18.  This was my tenth half marathon, eleventh if you consider virtuals.  I ran a virtual half for my buddy Sophia last year.  I have finally be led to the right nutrition and supplements for me.  And I am loving it!  Vespa CV-25 has been the best thing for my running.  I used it this year along with not following the whole carb loading theory that so many push.  And it paid off.  I am not the slightest sore this morning.  I am thankful for that.  I wonder if the weather conditions had been different if my time would have been even better.  I figure so, as I know getting up some of those inclines with the strong wind pushing back on my face so hard was not only difficult, but actually slowed me down.  It doesn't matter though.  I did meet my goal this year, but much more than I thought I would.  My first six miles I had a ten minute average pace, which is just incredible for me.

I have 11 more races at a minimum this year.  The last one will be a marathon.  My first marathon.   I am excited to see what the year holds for my racing and for my physical body.  I am excited to see what Vespa All Natural Amino Acid Supplement, combined with proper nutrition and training, will do for my performance and my fitness.  God is leading me into an exciting year and I look forward to see how He will use this.  Remember, what doesn't challenge you, doesn't change you. Hm, maybe that should have been the title of this post.  This LR race was definitely challenging, and I can see changes in not only me, but in my running community that was there fighting through the difficult weather/race.