The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines defeated as "to win a victory over", "to cause to fall", "to control or overcome". In the noun tense it is defined as "failure to succeed or win". A synonym is "broken". I have used the word broken over the last few days. I couldn't really come up with another word. Today I used the word defeated, as in I feel defeated. Interesting those were the two words that came to mind over the last few days.
No one likes to fail. No one likes to admit when they have failed. But sometimes we bite off more than we can chew. Or maybe we just bite off more than someone else thinks we can chew. And by their lack of support and encouragement we begin to see it as they do. I don't know when the switch happened, but the driving force got turned off. There was a time that being told that I couldn't accomplish something only made me want to work harder to show that I could. Today, it makes me want to quit.
Maybe that's why it hurts to feel so defeated on this one. It brings back memories of always being told what I can't do, and not really encouraged. Instead of propelling me forward, it is pushing me down. I don't like feeling like I am pushed in a corner. Especially when I had a timeline set of when I would give in, give up, and admit that I can't hold up my end of the commitment. Now I find myself giving up weeks early due to lack of support. I know I may not really be able to pull it off, but being told that pushes me in a corner, a hole. Deep.
I had made a note to blog about a devotional from a specific date. It is on the broken cistern. Funny thing as I go to that date, it is the incorrect one. This one is Philippians 4. It reads "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable - if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise - dwell on these things." Dwell on these things. I am looking at these thinking about how I have a moral obligation to give something my all, to not give up. I see to dwell on the things that are holy and pure, not to dwell on the defeat I feel.
Jeremiah 2:13 reads "For My people have committed a double evil: They have abandoned Me, the fountain of living water, and dug cisterns for themselves, cracked cisterns that cannot hold water."
So, why do I feel defeated? Partly because I am drinking from a broken cistern of this world. Even the people who you love the most and trust the most, are still human and may say and do things that leave you feeling broken and defeated. So, what I must do is ask myself who I am doing this for? Who do I run for? Who do I live to serve? Who do I desire to glorify in my life?
The commitment is not about me. It is not about what I can do or cannot do. If I truly want to honor God in my life, then I am to give it my best, and not give up just because someone else doesn't believe in my ability. Will I still fail? Possibly. But I won't know until I try. Will it still be hard if I have to go to the person I have made a commitment to and tell them that I can't accomplish what I have agreed to do? Yes, it will be so hard. But if I give it my all then I won't feel defeated when I have to do that. I have not given it my all for the past two months. I decided the other day I would give it two more weeks. Then I would decide. So, through prayer and focus I will give it my all for two weeks. With or without the support of others. If I still fail, at least I will know I didn't just give up. I should have been doing my best all along, but instead allowed my focus to change. Do I regret it? Yes! But I can't change it. But the grace of God is that I don't have to change my past mistakes. I can lay them at His feet and turn from them, so that I can proceed forward and do the best to glorify Him.
In two weeks when I have to admit that I can't meet this commitment, at least I will be quitting knowing that I tried, instead of quitting knowing that I haven't worked at all toward it in months.
